“I Want To Be A Dog”
My mother walked away from me and told me to watch my father while she went to take a thirty minute nap. I was on Zoom! I yelled “come back! What if he falls off the high bar stool? What if he chokes on his food? I can’t watch dad from a computer screen!” Then she cried and told me how I didn’t understand how hard it was for her to be a caregiver for my father with is physical challenges stemming from Alzheimer’s. I was thinking that she has aides to help all day, every day. The aide had just left an hour before I got on the zoom call with them. Why was she so tired?
It led me to thinking about how tired I get. I tried to take a few weeks retreat but had to come back early to get a Covid shot and had to handle payroll for the aides and my parent’s tax payment because my brother (supposed to be taking over for me while I got away) got too busy and forgot. Caregiving doesn’t go away until the person you’re caring for is gone. And that’s just incredibly sad to think about. I won’t find peace until someone dies? That’s stressful.
So this morning I realized that what I’d like right now is to become a dog. I just want someone to give me a home to live in and feed me food and I will provide adoring eyes and lots of affection in exchange. I’ll play and go for walks with you. That’s about all I would like to be handling right now. Anyone else out there know what I mean?
There is honor and gratitude I feel for still having my loved ones around when so many are losing their parents and partners. Two more of my friends just lost their last parent in the last two days. I am blessed to have both parents still alive in their 80’s. If I was a dog, I could sit at my dad’s feet and keep him company instead of long distance until I get my second covid vaccine. I could be emotionally supportive instead handling logistics and finances.
What should my dog name be? “Patience” I think.